The housewife answered the phone and listened with relief to the voice in her ear.
"How are you, dear? What kind of day are you having?"
"Oh, Mom, the baby won't eat; the washing machine is broken; I haven't been able to get out of the house to shop; I twisted my ankle and have been hobbling around all day. On top of that, the house is a mess and we're supposed to have some friends over for dinner tonight."
"Now dear, just stay calm. Sit down, relax, and I'll be over in 30 minutes. I'll do the shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you...
I'll take care of the baby when I get there and call a repairman I know who will get the washing machine fixed. In fact, I'll call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."
"George? Who's George?"
"Why, that's your husband, dear."
"Mom, my husband is Jim."
"Is this 234-5678?"
"Uh, no, it's not. I think you have a wrong number." The housewife paused. "Uhhh, does this mean you're not coming over?"
The Baseball Field
A woman was trying to find her son's baseball field. She drove around and around and finally decided she was lost. She stopped at a gas station to ask for directions.
She asked the man behind the counter if he knew where Cooper's Field was. He said, "You turn left at Rainville Road. At the next fork in the road, go to the right. There's a little farm and about a mile after that you turn right. In a few minutes you will see a little service station called Joey's."
The woman looked around and observed, "This is called Joey's."
The guy was impatient and said, "That's what I was getting around to telling you. The field is right behind the station."
She asked the man behind the counter if he knew where Cooper's Field was. He said, "You turn left at Rainville Road. At the next fork in the road, go to the right. There's a little farm and about a mile after that you turn right. In a few minutes you will see a little service station called Joey's."
The woman looked around and observed, "This is called Joey's."
The guy was impatient and said, "That's what I was getting around to telling you. The field is right behind the station."
The Marriage Fairy
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
To Be Six Again
You really have to give this guy an A+ for effort.
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
George was a thoughtful husband. He wanted to give his wife something special for her birthday which was coming up soon. As he sat on the edge of the bed, he watched his wife turning back and forth and looking at herself in the mirror. "Reta," he said, "What would you like for your birthday?"
His wife continued to look at herself and said, "I'd like to be six again."
George knew just what to do. On the big day, he got up early and made his wife a bowl of Fruit Loops. Then he took her to an amusement park where they rode all the rides. Five hours later, Reta's stomach felt upside down and her head was reeling. Never the less, George took her to McDonald's and bought her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Next, it was a movie with popcorn, soda and her favorite candy.
As Reta wobbled into the house that evening and flopped on the bed, George asked her, "Well, Dear, what was it like to be six again?"
Reta looked up at him. Her expression changed. She said, "I meant my dress size!"
Only When He's Drunk."
A driver is stopped by a police officer.
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket
for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know
about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that
tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a
citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you
were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT IT PLEASE!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
The driver asks, "What's the problem officer?"
Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."
Man: "No sir, I was going 65."
Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."
(The man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket
for your broken tail light."
Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know
about a broken tail light!"
Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that
tail light for weeks."
(The man gives his wife another dirty look.)
Officer: "I'm also going to give you a
citation for not wearing your seatbelt."
Man: "Oh I just took it off when you
were walking up to the car."
Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt."
The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT IT PLEASE!"
The Officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am, does your husband talk to you
this way all the time?"
The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk."
Life Insurance
A woman and her friend are sitting together having lunch after one of the women's husband's funeral service. The friend asks the woman if her husband had any life insurance, and the widow answered her. "Well, he had $10,000 in life insurance, but it is all gone." "All gone?", the friend asks, shocked. "Yes", said the widow."I don't understand", says the friend. "How did you already go through $10,000?""
Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow."I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"
Well, it is really not as bad as you think." says the widow."I had to pay $5500 for his funeral and burial, $500 was donated to the church for the service, $1000 was what I spent on his suit, and $3000 was for the memorial stone."Puzzled, the friend looks at the widow and says "That must have been a huge stone for $3000!"The widow answers: "Yeah, it was 3 carats!"
One Yard One Kiss
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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